Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
