Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
