I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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