I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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