i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
