Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i think i just lost a toe