Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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