Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
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you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
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Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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