1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
