anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
