I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
