Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
