mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
