He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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