I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just gargled with NyQuil
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
