My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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