I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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