My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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