Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
