sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
