apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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