The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
