No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
