just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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