I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
