then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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