apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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