Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
