remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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