I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
wakey wakey hands off snakey
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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