i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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