i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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