So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
