Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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