about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
