i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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