i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
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They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.