Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
