puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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