I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
