You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
As shirtless as possible
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
