he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
