Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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