so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
