Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
