so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
