babies were throwing up all over the place
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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