I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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