I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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