I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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