i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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