So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
