Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
