Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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