I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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