is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
