Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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