god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
