My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Randomize
